No Need To Rush - Reasons Why Settling Down Can Wait

If you are not married or making plans to be married by the age of 30, it's not uncommon for someone to wonder why you're still single or utter the words "maybe your standards are too high." I'm of the belief that no one should ever settle, especially when it comes to marriage. When has settling for anything made someone insanely happy? I believe people should be fair in evaluating what it is what they want, while setting realistic and satisfying standards that will last a lifetime.


If you don't like something about someone now, you probably won't like it in 10 years

Often what irritates us initially is magnified with time. People are not like sweaters that you can grow into, nor is it ever fair to expect someone to change. What you see is what you get, so you had better love who you are with flaws and all or throw that fish back in the sea and keep fishing.


Spend time getting to know yourself

Sometimes the real problem is that people don't even know themselves and what it is they want. Time being single is quality time you should spend understanding yourself. Yes I said it. I dare you explore yourself. Being authentic now may allow you to avoid a mid-life crisis later. Believe me it took a good hard reality slap to wake me up about certain things about myself. Which in turn allowed me to be real with myself about myself. Sometimes, people are so scared to spend time with themselves that they end up going from one relationship to the next. If you are that person, your relationship addiction may leave you susceptible to settling  and settling may lead  you to resentment and we all know that it all goes downhill from there.


You're so worth it

Sadly some of us look for other people to validate our self-worth. However, when we fail to attract what it is we desire, we may begin to settle for someone we are not really into. The truth is that we must each see ourselves as the incredible person we are and the kind of relationship we deserve in order to have that gem enter our lives. Think about it: if you are settling, what are you really saying about yourself? That you can't do better? You must recognize and believe in your worth as a person in order to attract anyone else who will feel the same way about you. If you believe you are a gem, you'll attract a gem. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.


Settling is a sign of fear 

Sometimes settling screams that you are afraid of being alone. One isn't the loneliest number. One plus someone you're not really into is certainly is. There is someone out there for everyone, the time you waste with Mr. or Miss. Wrong may be the time that you miss from being with Mr. or Miss. Right. The thing you should fear is settling. 



Lust isn't love

People may know what it is they are looking for in a person, with non-superficial factors being quintessential. Then they meet someone who looks like Brad Pitt or Beyonce with similar bank accounts and all of a sudden being humorous, intelligent, respectful, and compassionate goes out the window. That is nothing but vanity and lust. Lust for the person's body and/or bank account. Lust fades and most importantly it isn't love. If you don't have anything in common, conversations are a strain and the only thing you share is a physical attraction, enroll yourself in a 12-step program ASAP and step away.


A divorce increases your likelihood of a subsequent marriage ending in divorce

While divorce is no longer taboo and you may see it as your get out of jail free card if things don't work out, it also leaves you more susceptible to another, and another, and another divorce. Yes, those who divorce are more likely to have subsequent marriages end in a divorce as well. It's a fact, so wouldn't you rather get it right the first time and save yourself some extra stress and heartache?

Settling means you'll resent him/her

You may not want to admit it, but if you settle for someone, chances are they are never going to live up to your ideals. If you keep expecting him/her to be something that he/she isn't, you'll only be bitter and disappointed, and he/she will feel like a failure.


Your relationship is going to be routine

When you settle, your relationship is based on routine, not romance. Both partners have to want to impress and woo the other (making impromptu dinner plans, planning a romantic getaway, etc). If you feel like you've settled, what's the incentive to impress the other person? You're always going to feel like that person owes you something, so the likelihood of you being spontaneous and renewing the woo factor is almost nil.


Your sex life won't be as satisfying

Sure, every couple experiences ups-and-downs in the bedroom. But if you settle, it's likely that your sex life won't be up to snuff, right from the get-go. Sex should never feel like an obligation.


Don't get married just because "everyone is doing it"

Don't settle just because you don't want to be the that "swinging single" gal when all of your friends are getting serious. Sure, it can be frustrating to see all of your friends walk down the aisle while you're the girl knocking back drinks at the singles' table. But shacking up   or settling down with someone to just keep up appearances is never a good idea. Truth is, many married people are far lonelier than many single people are. Getting married does not equal instant happiness.

Good things come to those who wait 

If you have an accurate assessment of yourself, believe you are worth it and trust that Mr. or Miss. Right is out there for you, they will come. The best thing about waiting is it makes you appreciate 'The One' even more when they come along. However, one caution -- waiting doesn't mean you do nothing. You have to put yourself out there -- go out, meet people, try new things, try online dating or join a cooking class -- just get out there and date. 'The One' isn't likely to just show up on your doorstep while you wait at home watching TV.

To Thine Own Self Be True

The arrival of the post-industrial economy combined with the large pool of women with higher education, career, and overall financial stability of their own, has meant that marriage is an option rather than a necessity. And as such, we are free to pursue intimacy on our own terms without the need to fulfill some archaic duty and pre- conceived ritual of womanhood. In short it is not enough nowadays for a man to have a good job, a nice car and be financially stable. Because most of us enjoy financial independence, we are now free to look beyond the surface of the dating pool to explore whether or not a potential mate can fulfill our emotional and physical desires in addition to our security needs.

While there is plenty of advice for women about how to snag a man – most of it revolves around editing yourself in some way to make yourself more palatable to men – little discussion has been put forth about the reasons why women hold out for the right one or don’t rush into relationships all together or the independent ones who aren't in a desperate rush to wed our very own prince charming is shunned as a crazy, super picky old maids.

Perhaps, like me, they are not ready. Perhaps they have some goal achieving and exploring of their own to do to figure out what and who is right for them and what and who isn't. Options such as college, having careers, home ownership, traveling, having children, engaging platonic friendships with the opposite sex have all shown that marriage is not the only way for a woman to have a fulfilled life. And more importantly, because of our new found independence, we can play equal partners in shaping and defining how unions adds to our fulfillment, much in the same way that men have been doing for ages. It's only fair.

I don’t say this to discourage anyone who seek traditional marriage but to give voice to those women who have decided or are unsure of what role traditional marriage plays in their lives. As a whole, I do believe that women should be honest with themselves and admit that while we may desire to be coupled up one day, we’re not going to do it just for the sake of doing it.

Like anything else in life, we do have choices and options. It’s just a matter of finding out what relationship option and/or choice works best for you. And on the flip side, there are too many married women, who are unhappy in their unions because they didn't take advantage of the opportunities in which we in this undefined and ever-evolving generation have had. If you honestly feel like society's relationship norm isn't for you then don't do it. Don't settle for anything, any relationship, or anyone that doesn't arouse passion in you. Do not settle simply to fit in.

   

Below is a video that pretty much sums up my present frame of mind when it comes to settling and settling down.

Love is a beautiful thing and finding someone who is willing and actually puts in the work to make your union work is indeed a beautiful blessing. Relationships and marriage isn't about sunshine and daisies all the time, but if that love isn't there right away, it's pretty tough to will yourself into it and why would you want to. I'm not telling anyone to buy into the hallmark, Disney movie, fairy tale garbage that we've been spoon fed as little girls. We're not all princesses that will find "true love" and live "happily ever after".  

Most relationships that start with so called butterflies are often based on a very shaky foundation. It's just hormones. It's very similar to that new car feeling. Sure it's exciting but it FADES. That's why - in our instant gratification, me-first world - the divorce rate is so high. We expect that exhilaration to last forever. When it goes, we go. Relationships are hard work. Part of that work involves learning to see past a person's outward appearance, to get to know them beyond the stage where they are simply trying to impress you. Sure a spectacular start is nice. A great story to tell the grand kids. However, I believe that we need to be more focused on the long-term and not the honeymoon period.

If you want an amazing body you've got to put in the work. If you want to be a student with a 4.0 GPA then you need to study hard. Relationships and marriage is a compromise, your not going to be happy 24/7 it takes work just like anything else in life.  In the end, love is really what everyone is looking for and what everyone needs. Love from our family and friends. Love from ourselves to ourselves, and love from a partner that's willing to stick around when times are hard. So, don't settle. Chose the terms of your life and live accordingly; Do not yield to anyone's expectations but your own.  You are worth it. Good Luck.

You're Non-Relationship Expert,

Crystal